random thoughts

1. Brinjals for lunch and dinner today! Whee! And milk and beancurd skin is delicious too. So is Strawberries + yoghurt.

2. I am serious about joining Sailing "Club" (LOL). And train for the competitions, with the aim of...at least not finishing last. :P Therefore I will consume more protein to gain muscles (not fats), and train ab muscles.

3. I kinda wish I were a guy. More freedom, less constraints: physical, inherent, and imposed by societal norms and expectations.

i'm staying in Singapore.

I didn't get in. I only found out late this afternoon when my friend messaged me saying that 3 of her friends got called up by UWC Committee last night, telling them that they got selected to go to the UWCs in Canada, Italy and Norway. Not sure who got selected for the last place in USA, but one thing I'm certain of is: I didn't get in.

That's that. Seriously I don't know whether to be sad that my dream for the past 2 years of studying in a UWC wasn't realised, or to be happy that I'm staying in Hwa Chong, in SixOh, this class that I love so much, and able to spend time with friends who really rock, and my family.

But one thing I want to say is... (STOP! Qintan is going to say a vulgarity, shock shock, for those who don't want to see it, please stop reading or scroll over the next line.)

Damn!

How can I not feel disappointed when I've successfully gotten through three rounds in the selection criteria, and had a 40% (4 places out of 10 applicants who went for the 3rd round of interview) chance of being selected...

Boohoohoo, now I can't go on backpacking trips overseas as and when I like without parental consent. Now I don't have an excuse for my parents to buy me a NEW LAPTOP or get me a CREDIT CARD anymore. Sadness. :(

And one MAJOR drawback of not getting selected for UWC, is that, I can't just FLUNK my block tests in style and know it doesn't matter anyway cos I'm scooting off overseas.
Or skip school and lessons as and when I like cos I technically don't need to attend school in Singapore after July anymore. DARN.

OH. And Jin Quan and all other people who said I'd "sure get in one", owe me a lunch treat. For losing the bet. HEHE. :P

first chinese lesson

Today was such a long day in school! Spent most of the time during lessons either talking or feeling extremely sleepy. And I attended my first H1 Chinese lesson from 4 to 5.30pm. (err I kinda ponned the first Chinese lesson last week). Surprisingly, and contrary to popular belief, it was interesting! In fact it was the most interesting lesson of the entire day, beating even PW lesson where we just fooled around.

I got the shock of my life when I entered the classroom (10 min late, was hanging around after PW class till 4.05 then got lost--YES, got lost in SCHOOL!--trying to find my way to the classroom). The entire Chinese class consisted only of Xie Lao Shi, Wuf, and me!!! (Whoa! A TWO-STUDENT CLASS! How cool is that? --> VERY.) We only had to finish some cheng2 yu3 and yan4 yu3 exercises (in a very short time), and the rest of the time was spent crapping with Xie Lao Shi, and her telling us about her interesting ex-students and introducing good books, elaborating about their contents. And talking about (and doing some analysis of) Hong2 Lou2 Meng4 (Dream of the Red Chamber, my favourite Chinese classic).

So cool! I'm really inspired to read Chinese books now, not that I wasn't interested in reading Chinese books before. (I've actually read the Chinese translation of "War and Peace" by Leo Tolstoy -- the illustrated and I daresay slightly abridged version. Hehe.) Actually I've been meaning to do so for a long long time already, just that I haven't found time to finish even half of the whole load of undone and due tutorials, much less read. And I'd rather read books than do tutorials. I think I shall just find time to read when I'm on the bus home, just that I frequently find myself meeting people on the bus and ending up talking with them the entire journey home. Or I'm just daydreaming and staring out of the window, too lazy to read.

Books, books, here I come! You just have to patiently wait a little while longer. Haha. Which is like, a few weeks more?

Hwa Chong swimming pool, here I jump! (ERR. LOL.) Wait a little little while more for me. I'll jump eagerly into your cooling, refreshing, rejuvenating and invigorating (and I was about to say "sensual". HAHAHA!) embrace tomorrow morning! I'll be the first to jump in! I'm going to spread my enthusiasm for you among my classmates!

sailing!

Today was a fun fun day spent sailing with Zi Chong, Geordie and Eden! We went to SAFYC at East Coast, slacked around, had lunch then went out to sea in Laser Picos (Eden and I sailed one, Zi Chong and Geordie sailed the other). The weather today was really quite pleasant! It was not too sunny, then it drizzled a while before lapsing to cloudy weather. But it was cold with the wind blowing when I got out of sea with wet clothes.

For the first leg of the journey, I was crew. It was supremely pleasant lying comfortably in the cockpit (is that what it's called?), manning only the jib sail, and occasionally hiking out for fun. It was much harder helming the boat on the return leg of the journey. I capsized both of us TWICE while Eden didn't capsize us once (though we NEARLY capsized one time)! After all, I've not sailed a boat since P5 (and that was the Optimist boat), and the other time I sailed in a Pico, I was crew and didn't really do anything. There's an additional pressure when helming the boat, as you're responsible for the direction, the speed, the mainsail and the tilt of the boat etc etc. Not exactly very relaxing, but that's where the kick comes in. :D

All in all, I fell into the sea THREE times. Which is not that bad, though I suspect of all those who sailed with us, I fell into the sea the most number of times. The first time, I was crew, Eden was jibing and somehow I just fell into the sea. I think the boat was tilting but I forgot how I dropped in. The second time, I was helming the boat and the wind was quite strong and I was hiking almost fully out. But alas, without Eden's weight adding to the hike, the wind blew the boat over and I just slid vertically into the sea. Quite amusing, thinking back. The third time, we were both hiking out so it was quite alright, but the tiller slipped right out of my hand (the extension was jammed under a rope) and the boat just flipped over. And I ended trapped under the main sail, which was quite funny too. Actually capsizing is not that bad, though seawater tastes totally horrid and hurts your eyes. But now I finally understand the importance of lifejackets, since wet clothes really weigh a ton, and it's not that easy to climb back into the boat.

Towards the end of the journey as we headed back towards shore, Zi Chong helmed my boat and Eden helmed the Geordie's boat. Then we had an amusing 'war' where we threw a coconut found at sea into each other's boat. Unfortunately for the other two, Zi Chong the Pro Sailor was very fast so we zoomed off after throwing the coconut at them. They only got to throw the coconut back after when we were almost at shore. I got hit by the coconut so now my lip's cut and swollen, though it doesn't really hurt. I have to think of excuses to tell Mom when she returns, how my lip got into this state. I hope my face's not darker too, so she won't suspect anything.

Now I'm tired, but happy! Sailing and skiing are my favourite sports! And I think it's more fun to sail 2 ppl in a boat than to sail alone, but I'm keen to learn to sail a Byte (though the bottom weight limit's 50 kg).

Lessons of the day:
1. Being 44kg puts you at a SEVERE disadvantage when sailing (unless you sail an Optimist which is meant for kids.) though the lightness's very good for your partner if you're crew.
2. Wearing a cap is good because it provides protection against the Sun, the rain, and the boom. (oh, and: Beware of the Boom) OUCH.
3. A significant amount of plastic bottles found drifting at sea belong to capsized sailors.
4. Steer clear away from people with coconuts in their hands. :P
5. You can get as black as Zi Chong even with SPF 50 sunblock. My SPF 60 sunblock owns! So either wear a LOT (longsleeved shirt and long pants like me) or little (at least you tan evenly).
6. Never sail at Sembawang if you are prone to capsizing.
7. I LOVE sailing! But never sail alone. You never know what might happen.

the macroscopic view of things

This evening, as I walked home from Hillview Heights to Dairy Farm after swimming (and trying to suntan unsuccessfully), I realised that all too often, when we walk around all the time, we're either looking at the ground, slightly ahead, the traffic lights, the cars, signposts etc.

But when was the last time we actually looked and gazed at the sky for longer than a few seconds? When was the last time we actually observed the trees, the birds flying amongst the clouds, the occasionally falling leaves, the dried leaves among the grass, the fallen flowers, the occasional butterflies flitting from bush to bush and different shapes of the trees?

As I looked at the sky this evening, it was so blue, such a lovely tinge of blue, and the clouds were not the regular fluffy ones, but rather, white streaks splashed across the sky, like splashes of white paint melting and merging into a watery blue gradient. So beautiful! Just like how the sky this morning was tinged such a lovely rosy, lavender colour, and the clouds either amber, vermillion or purple.

And as I gazed at the sky (yes, several cars honked at me when I was crossing the road), I felt a great sense of distance, that the longer I stared at the sky, the further it was extending, higher and higher and higher up, up into the reaches of the universe that we're in. Up into that mysterious black space. And I felt infinitely small, just a tiny little part of this amazing creation and clockwork. And for some reason, I just felt so tranquil, to be part of Nature, to merge with Nature.

We are all part of Nature, belonging to the cycle of Life that never ceases. But all too often we humans get so caught up in our own microscopic world and concerns that we forget our origin -- Nature. We forget that all the worries / troubles / concerns / hectic details of daily life, are but a tiny molecule of water in the great ocean that's life, that's Earth, that's Nature.

Skepticism (ok, leftover discussion from KI) or not? It doesn't matter. Why do you need absolute truth or genuine knowledge? It's sufficient to know that you're a product of Nature, a small link in the cycle of Life, from the species Homo Sapiens that's part of the Apes family, that's part of the fauna on Earth, which is in turn a planet orbiting around the Sun in a solar system, in a galaxy called the Milky Way which is just another one of the zillions of galaxies that exist in the Universe.

But it doesn't matter how big / small / significant / insignificant you are. What matters is that you're given this chance to explore the wonderful big world you're born into, and to enjoy your journey in exploring -- enjoying your life by living it out to how you want it to be.

some thoughts / hypotheses

I have several theories / postulations!

1. people who have a happy childhood and feel loved when / since young, tend to be happier, less cynical and have an optimistic view of the world / life.

2. the happier people feel when they're with friends, the more afraid of solitude / loneliness they are.

3. girls tend to feel more at ease with (and maybe a greater need for?) physical contact, at least for the same gender.

4. girls tend to be more emotionally dependent than guys. Wait, this point is quite contentious. Or does it depend on personalities rather than gender?

5. girls tend to be better at expressing their feelings / emotions than guys, be it through speech, language, or behaviour. AND I'm not talking about expressing angst / anger / frustrations through the use of F words / pointing certain fingers, thank you very much :P (I know guys can do these very well)

So, what do you think of these points? Comments, please :)

milkshakes + GEP

This morning I just made and drank:
2 big mugs of papaya milkshake
1 big mug of black+red+green grapes + natural yoghurt-shake!
half a mug of soya milkshake

YUMMY!

Feeling so full now. I'm going to walk all the way to KAP from my house (Upp Bkt Timah) to meet up for class pool outing later. I'd rather rollerblade all the way there but lugging a pair of heavy rollerblades around in a foodcentre / in school is not exactly very fun or sightly.

I am a good cook. If only people could believe me. :P

I just suddenly thought of a comment Jin Quan made when we were discussing, over the BBQ at class chalet, on who could probably fit into a neighbourhood school. He said I could, because "some people can act stupid". Then yesterday Gaby just said, when she found out I was a GEPper, "I always thought you were a GEPper! Cos you're smart!" Hmm. So here's a question to everyone: When you first got to know me, do I seem 'stupid, no-brainer' or 'smart'?

Haha. I realise that nowadays my mannerisms and conversations are less 'intellectual' and much more punctuated with Singlish than back when I was in Nanyang. Perhaps it's because I'm now in an environment where it's mostly mainstreamers mixed with some GEPpers, and I can 'connect' more with mainstreamers if I don't engage in conversation that puts some of them off. It's not necessarily bad. In life you have to learn to get along with people from diverse backgrounds and with different interests and personalities, I suppose.

Which also brings me to a question, is there really any difference between the behaviours and mannerisms of GEPpers and mainstreamers? Why the differences, if any? Why is the divide so much bigger than say, IP vs non-IP?

School reopens!

YAYness!!! School re-opened again today! Haha this is so interesting, I actually like schooldays much more than holidays! I'm back to my happy happy self again today, how can I not be, when I can see and be with all my friends and SixOh again! Even the morning sky today that greeted me as I walked into the school compound was so bright sunny and cheery!

Mrs Tam mentioned in class today that there's going to be a Parent-Teachers-Meeting soon...oh no! I think my mom is going to kill me and ground me at home when the teachers feedback that "Qintan is much more interested in and occupied with talking with her friends than the lesson and what I am TRYING to teach", and that "she has been neglecting her sad, abandoned Math/Phy/Chem/Bio tutorials".

And there's class outing to play Pool tomorrow! So fun! Though I will probably end up shooting the white ball into the holes all the time, or maybe even shooting balls off the table...As for Hwa Chong Idol, my mom said I'd better come out of my 3-months-plus dormancy as Student Correspondent and write an article on it for Lianhe Zao Bao (Popcorn section). And earn money by the way.

I'm so out of touch with Chinese. And speaking of Chinese, I realise I'd just skipped Chinese lessons this afternoon. Because I didn't know there were Chinese lessons today. And I've conveniently forgotten to hand in my Bio essay assignment. >.< How forgetful can I get.

mixed feelings again

I got selected for the third round of interview tomorrow! It's so scarily near to that final stage, that final decision which I may eventually have to make. And I'm really just so confused now, I don't know what I want anymore. Or do I? Just that I can't seem to let go of all that I have now, or even THINK about having to let go. One thing is for sure: I love my life in Singapore, I love my family and home, I love being with a certain group of friends -I don't need to say who-, I love SixOh, I love Hwa Chong. And I really just can't bear the thought of letting go of all these! And having all those people I'm close to, drift away. Not being able to spend time with them anymore. No more familiar voices, no more familiar faces, funny word expressions even. Would they still keep in contact often? Or just forget me? Those lunches and breaks together with the class. The crazy times together, the skipping CSP lessons together (ok, so sad, no more CSP periods for us to skip together). Argh!

If I go, half my heart will be torn and remain here. I'll have to start anew again, and have the courage to stick with my decision, that strength to bear the loneliness and solitude, and facing difficulties and possible bouts of depression alone.

If I don't go, there'll be this big "What If" nagging at me constantly, though I'll still enjoy my life here in Singapore.

The dilemma! It's killing me. Guess I'll just leave everything up to Fate. Maybe I don't even have to make that painful decision. Not being selected is much less painful than being selected and having to make a choice. Maybe having free will and being able to make a choice isn't that good after all.

Do long-distance friendships work? I hope they do. Is there such a thing as "friends for life"? I hope so. I hope I don't get disillusioned and disappointed yet again.

Too early to be thinking of that... I have a strangely empty feeling in my chest now. I think I feel too much and am too emotional(ly dependent) for my own good.

Sixoh class chalet!

I'm just back from swimming straight after reaching home from the class chalet this evening! It's a remarkable feat that I managed to sleep throughout 95% of the two-hour bus journey back! But maybe it's natural considering that I broke my sleeping-time record, setting an alltime low of ONE HOUR during the chalet!!!

Yesterday we met up for "class" lunch (consisting of sadly only Jon and me), before we went shopping at NTUC for food with Zi Chong, Jin Quan and Geordie. What a surprise that the guys knew how to shop better (or rather, more efficiently) than me! It was extremely amusing watching them choose the sweet potatoes. Jin Quan scrutinises and weighs the sweet potatoes critically, commenting that the sweet potatoes that are not-so-thick and not-so-skinny should be chosen because they cook the best, while Zi Chong goes, "Heck la, just choose the biggest!" While Jonathan and I (the amateurs) stare on in amusement and dazedness. In the end the bill amounted to over 80 bucks, and it turned out that there were leftover food. (but we'd planned food for more people than half the number who turned up)

After checking into the chalet--Halton Bungalow D, (at which point the people present were only: Zi Chong, Jin Quan, Geordie, Jonathan, Bryan, Siobhan and me), Jonathan and I went to scrutinise the bedrooms (and me to jump on each and every one of the beds--a weird habit of mine), while the conscientious others went to sort out the kitchen utensils and prepare the sweet potatoes and corns for barbeque. It was really interesting watching how pro Jin Quan and Zi Chong washed the stuff and cut it up, and funny watching Geordie chop the stalks off the corns. Argh, I'm put to shame!

And we finally got to try Dance Dance Revolution (after having to lug a DDR mat and Playstation all the way to the chalet)! I'm glad to say I introduced some people to DDR and got some people (relatively) hooked onto it too! And I managed to pass Paranoia-Rebirth-190 FOR ONCE because Geordie was using the controller which saved me.

And played Scrabble. It's funny how the weirdest letter-combinations (like, "cwm" if I remember correctly) can actually be considered words, and how both Jin Quan and Zi Chong mug the Scrabble-List-of-Words to win Scrabble.

In the evening, we started preparing for the barbeque! Thanks to the PROs: Zi Chong-the-Blow-Fire-Person, Jin Quan-the-Arrange-Charcoal-Person, and Geordie-the-Fan-Fire-Person, and not forgetting Siobhan-the-Aunty, we managed to get the fire started in less than one hour (around 30 minutes)!!! The three-hour-experience of barbequeing foods that I'd otherwise not normally eat, and chatting random stuff, was strangely satisfying, despite the heat from the grill.

Charmaine joined us for the barbeque, and as night drew, Siobhan, Charmaine and I decided to go for a walk by the beach, bloated and in need of exercise as we were. The walk was really nice! To feel the wind blowing in your face, in your hair, to see, smell and hear the sea, to look at the full moon and the dim stars in the cloudy night sky, to sit on the railings facing the sea talking about issues close to your heart with your friends...The experience is really good.

After a while, we went back. And we went for a second beach walk, this time with Zi Chong, Jin Quan, Geordie, Jonathan, and Bryan (and later, Billy, Chris, Sam and Wai Hong joined us as well). It's really wonderful walking and talking with friends you feel comfortable with at night. Somehow the experience is just different from daytime. The night soothes you, it releases your mind from the hectic pace, distractions and frustrations of the daytime. And the sea, and the breeze, they overwhelm you with a sense of tranquility and open-ness. We strolled along the Changi Board Walk, and stopped by Changi Sailing Club to look at the sailboats there, while the pro sailor Zi Chong explained all about them to Jin Quan, Geordie and I.

Looking at all the sailboats and sitting in them (illegally) just makes me relive the passion for sailing from years ago. I still remember the exhilaration, the wind in your hair, the sea spray, the lapping of waves against the boat, the feeling of the wind in the rope, and the remarkable sense of speed that you feel as you skim over the waves. I really want to go sailing again.

We were sitting around in a keelboat (illegally) until the rather-retarded security guard chased us away. And then we continued on the Boardwalk. Somehow, perhaps because of the dim lighting, the trees, the proximity to old Changi Hospital, the lateness of the night, and the weird interplay of shadows cast by the lamp-posts, buildings and trees, people scaring each other. Or rather, evil Chris, Sam and Zi Chong tried to scare me and Siobhan, and I'm ashamed to say, rather successfully, though each attempt made us slightly more immune to the next. And Zi Chong made the Ultimate Unsuccessful attempt to scare the bunch of people behind while Sam and I tried to divert their attention away from his hiding place by staring at some guy fishing in a folding chair by the beach.

Finally, as it approached 11plus pm, we headed back to the chalet and continued playing DDR till midnight. Then I learnt how to play Mahjong for once! though I still do not find why people can get addicted to Mahjong.

After several rounds of Mahjong, we (the Noisy Table: Chris, Sam, Wai Hong, Zi Chong, Geordie and I) started playing Blackjack. The Quiet Table (consisting of Jin Quan, Jonathan, Bryan and Siobhan) joined us after a few hours. That was the most hilarious, interesting and rowdy cardgame I've ever played! I think the number of F words I heard that night (80% of it originating from Chris) is more than or equal to the number of F words I've ever heard before!!! Also, I observed, much to my amusement, that the guys like to exclaim that they're "being raped" a lot, whenever they lose money! And very obviously, I do not know how to hide /control my expressions/what comes out of my mouth whenever the sum of the cards I took exceed 21, and bankers take advantage of that fact, which is why I end up losing most of the times whenever I take more than 3 cards. Some other observations:
1. I seem to bring luck to the banker, and cause the players to lose whenever I "cut" the cards. Which explains why whenever I try to cut the cards so many hands block me from touching the cards.
2. My presence seems to bring Zi Chong bad luck. E.g. when I went upstairs to use the toilet he scored a Blackjack!

That can be said as the most interesting night I've ever had (most of my other nights are spent sleeping). I only went to bed at 4 plus, and woke up at 5 plus, (woken by the shrieks and laughter of the people still playing Mahjong downstairs, namely Wai Hong)

The next day, most of us were rather dazed and like zombies. Billy, Jonathan, Siobhan and I took a morning walk around 7plus to Seven-Eleven some distance away, to buy breakfast (4 cartons of milk and 16 roti pratas!) before we headed back to wake the rest. (I tried unsuccessfully to wake most of them up using the "enticing" smell of prata) After breakfast, we slacked around, played DDR, and watched cartoons before we finally checked out at 10 plus (Miao Qin joined us at 9plus). Thereafter, we walked to Changi Village area to rent bikes and cycled for an hour till 12 plus. It was breezy and scenic cycling along Changi Beach, but it was a pity I had to cycle rather slowly and for such a short time, before we headed back to return the bikes.

After taking the bus back to Tampines Interchange, we had lunch at Tampines Mall and met up with Rachel. I bought a plate of Tempeh (fermented soybeans) and we played Truth (only for Billy's case. HEHE) or Dare (dare the people to eat the Tempeh I'd bought) so Miao Qin, Siobhan, Jonathan and Geordie now know what Tempeh tastes like (hehe!). I am puzzled as to why I'm the only one who finds Tempeh appetising.

Then Siobhan, Jonathan, Billy and I headed home while the rest went to find a place to play pool. The end of class chalet!

Even though I was disappointed at the low turnup numbers from our class, I still enjoyed the chalet greatly. Yes, "the more the merrier", but having a smaller number of people doesn't mean that things will turn out badly. It really depends on the enthusiasm and the people there, not the absolute NUMBER of people (though obviously it'll be much more like a class chalet and more interesting if more people turned up). At least I got to experience things I've never experienced before, understood some slightly better, got to interact more with some, and overall, had a great time instead of slacking and stoning and being overwhelmed by boredom and loneliness at home.

Argh! So much for my plans of being a piggy (though I fulfilled the Eating part of the criteria) and sleeping early tonight! :( But at least I shall sleep with sweet dreams (though it's actually better to your body to have dreamless REM--i think--sleep, I love dreaming! Nice dreams, obviously.)

All the people who turned up for the chalet, you guys rock!!! THANKS for coming! You just made my two days and 1 night a fabulous time!!! Hope you all had a great time too! :)

loneliness and melancholy.

Yesterday I went over to Jin Quan's house to play tabletennis, cards and tennis with him, Zi Chong and several of their friends. I enjoyed my time there, especially the later part when we were just slacking, sitting and talking at the tennis courts. Sometimes I just envy the camaraderie that the CHS geppers have, the time they spent playing sports everyday together.

I look back and I realise that I've never really truly belonged to any clique. I don't belong to any clique now, still, do I? What does it feel like to be part of a clique, to be always hanging out together, doing the same things (be they stupid or meaningful) together, feeling you're part of everyone else, that you're needed, that you belong?

And why is it that I get along well with most but never get close enough to people, even if just a few that I care more about? Close enough for me to matter to them, not as just another classmate, another acquaintance or another one of their many many friends, but as myself, their friend? Is this the result of my own doing, however unintentional it may be?

I fear loneliness. Is this called weakness? Is this insecurity? If it is, I don't care to hide my weaknesses anymore, at least not now, at least not here, this blog which not many people visit anyway. I hate pity. I hate people pitying me, or doing things for me they wouldn't otherwise do, like keeping me company, out of pity for me, not because they like my company. I don't want to be pitied. Yes, I'm proud, and I hate pity.
(obviously there's a difference between pity for superficial things like pain or exhaustion, and pity for other things like loneliness, insecurity etc. I hate the latter pity. And there's a big difference between empathy and concern, and pity. Sometimes people just mix them all up.)
That's why I always try not to show my weaknesses, that's why I always put on a brave front even when I'm feeling weak inside. That's why few people see me cry, though many a times I just feel like letting go of my emotions.

And they don't need to see another sad or morose face. Why sould they? They've seen enough. There's plenty of sadness in the world already. What the world lacks and needs is happiness.

But I've reached a limit where I can't just keep all my thoughts to myself. I hate the times when I turn off my handphone for several days and turn it on knowing that there're not going to be any new messages that's not regarding something like homework, or activities I organised, or worse still, no new messages at all. I hate harbouring the thought that if I didn't turn up in school for a day, a week or even a month no one would miss me at all. (truthfully, would you even feel any difference? Would you even know that I'm not in school? ) I hate the feeling I get sometimes, that if I disappeared from people's life, say if I left for overseas, if I was gone just somehow, nobody would know, nobody would really care, besides my family.

There's a reason why I decided not to use MSN again. I couldn't stand it anymore. I hated it when conversations died out after a while, when talk was just forced talk to keep the appearance of being busy on MSN. I hated it when nobody would talk to you if you didn't initiate conversations yourself. Typing for the sake of typing, talking for the sake of talking, using MSN for the sake of keeping up the illusion that people want to talk to you, that your friends want to talk to you, that you're needed. Why maintain that illusion and continue deceiving yourself? Might as well live with the truth, however bare it may be. That people talk to you on MSN only because they're bored. Not because they really want to talk to you, or that a conversation with you matters to them.

I'm not being my usual self. Or maybe this's just another side of me. The emotionally-dependent, melancholy and not-so-cheerful side of me. The side of me that I don't show and nobody bothers to find out. Precisely, why would they want to.

Am I being hypocritical by drowning in self-pity? I've been over-indulged in love and concern by my parents when I was young. Now that they pay much less attention to me, and I'm still as needy emotionally, maybe slightly less, I have to fill in that gap myself, albeit in vain.

my poem for SixOh

Yesterday, I went over to the HC Boarding School and met up with Papa Billy, Yang Sai, and Jonny. We were enjoying the aircon in the gym for a while before some Officers spotted Jonny and I (the non-boarders) and we all scrambled into Billy's room. We played cards for 2 hours straight! (Taiti) and talked random stuff. I actually managed to win the most number of rounds, whee!

I felt so weird and displaced yesterday, this overwhelming sense of loneliness, and somehow, it just didn't feel right. Till I met up with them again. I really miss school, I miss hanging around SixOh. Being with you guys makes me feel happy and contented, even if it's just playing cards and talking. Sure beats rotting away at home pining for Thursday to come.

Yesterday, while feeling bored, I composed a poem dedicated to SixOh and wrote it in the class diary. Here goes:

To SixOh
I wandered lonely as a daffodil
floating in the air.
Over the sunny meadows
and over the wide green fields.
But I always wandered
never to find a landing place.

I wandered lonely as a little cloud
drifting in the sky.
Over the acres of land so wide
and over the seas so blue.
But I always wandered
never to find an anchor.

Now I wander, lonely no more,
a happy bird in a flock--that's Sixoh!
We are all soaring together,
heart and wings beating as one.
I don't have to wander, anymore,
for I've found a place, where I belong.

A place, where we belong.

---

ahahaha. I wrote this in fifteen minutes! Now that I look back at it, maybe it's a little childish and cliche :(

Huang cheng and the start of the sch hols

Yesterday was the Huang Cheng performance. We went as a class for lunch at Lau Pa Sat before going to Victoria Theatre together. Personally I had very high expectations of Huang Cheng, after hearing about how great it is from the previous batches. So I guess that was perhaps why I didn't really find it as good as I thought it would be. It consisted of 3 plays. The first play was rather touching, and the acting was quite good, but perhaps if it was less disjointed and the flow was smoother, it'll be much nicer. The second play was the most understandable and most smoothly connected among the 3 plays. I think it's quite touching too, but I didn't really empathise too much with the characters, perhaps because my family background is so different from that and I never really met anyone with such experiences, so I can't connect that much with the characters. The third play, to put in one word, was: cheem. In other words, rather hard to understand. But what I can get, is that it's about company politics, and whether winning or losing in the competitive job/ company market, is really all that matters.

Maybe Huang Cheng should do a show that connects more with teenage students and school life, given that the majority of the audience are students of the ages 16-19, instead of venturing into plays dealing with themes / scenarios that most students (both actors and audience alike) have never experienced before. It would be more realistic and truthful to act, and the audience would appreciate it more.

On a sidenote, I wore a new pair of heeled slippers that I just bought a week ago, and it caused 4 great blisters on my feet! In the end it was simply hellish to continue walking in them, so I figured I might as well take off the slippers and walk barefeet. It's simply much more comfortable walking on the road barefeet than wearing those slippers. And I really have to thank Chris and Zi Chong as well for the cab treat home! Otherwise I might have gotten home with ten more blisters.

***

The school holidays have started and it feels so surreal to be at home alone (my sister's gone to school for some class thing) instead of being around so many people. I'm really unaccustomed to the quiet, the boredom, and the loneliness. And quite a number of people seem to be occupied during most of the March holidays, so I guess I can't really get more people to meet up to play sports during the holidays. If anyone's playing sports / doing something during the hols, I'll be really glad to come along! :)

To SixOh

The past few days have certainly seen much displacement. Wednesday was the day that saw Billy and Rachel being forcibly torn from the class, and Da Chuan's sacrificial leaving of the class. It was the day that saw Cheryl and Zhao Rui transferred to other classes, and 5 more newcomers entering: Gaby, Sara, Xin Xue, Colin and Ronald (who's left the class today).

Yet more was to come.

Thursday was the day when the tension in the class escalated during Physics practical, when the topic of class posts were brought up. Or maybe the undercurrents of tension were there all along, just that some of us did not notice it / underestimated it, or preferred not to bring it to light. Now that we've brought up the matter to light, we should work towards a solution, as a class, together. It's something that the class has to solve as a whole, not something that several people have to solve among themselves.

And from this, we can just realise how important communication in a class is. If we had been more open in our relationships and perhaps tried to discuss what we did not find acceptable about the other person openly or more openly, and both parties had communicated to each other instead of bottling up negative emotions, perhaps relationships might have been much better.

So what we can do now is just try to be more open with each other, forgive and forget the past ie bury the hatchet to start anew as much as possible, try and help each other to overcome our flaws by pointing them out to us and giving constructive feedback, and accepting, not denying, but working on the flaws that we have, that others have pointed out to us.

I believe everything can work out. There are always ups and downs, and there cannot exist such a perfect class that there are no conflicts at all.

Conflicts either break us, or make us stronger and more united. Let's hope that through this, we can be inspired to try to understand each other better, and work together to raise the class to new heights! :)

I love SixOh! We'll rock on together!

P.S. I finally booked the chalet-- Aloha Changi bungalow! YAY!
P.P.S. I had spinach flan again today! Whee! Cheese + spinach tastes really good!
P.P.P.S. I HATE FLU + COUGH!!!

msn?

I've abstained from MSN for 2 years already...The dilemma is, should I start using MSN again? I received yet another email from MSN asking me to sign up for a MSN Passport cos someone added me. But talking on MSN...If there're many people talking to me, I'll end up spending so much time on it = less time to sleep. on the other hand, if there's very few people talking to me...then what's the point? Maybe I'll abstain from using MSN until the need arises for it.

On a sidenote, I'm quite ill. I've been having an evil cough for more than a week, still not recovering, and started having flu yesterday. I hope I don't have to miss swimming because of it. Perspiring heavily this morning. I better go see the doctor after school ends today... I don't like falling ill :(

Marche STJ on Sat night

Saturday night, after the LeaP module, was the long-awaited STJ night at Suntec Marche!


me squeezing successfully into a kiddy train outside Marche!



class girls! taking photos while waiting.

Pau-pau, Yang Sai and I shared a table with seniors Zi Yang and Hai Ning, had a nice dinner, and then Melvyn, Pin Xuan, Yu Zhong and Siobhan joined us.



US! After a FULL dinner!

And then we noticed a 'No Smooching!' sign near our table...


The Giant (right, Yu Zhong) kissing the Dwarf (Hai Ning, on left)


Yang Sai and Pauline finally blatantly expressing their not-so-straight love in the open. The IRONY--doing this right after a Sex Ed workshop on Abstinence. Hehe.

There was talk of going to the Esplanade rooftop and hanging out, enjoying the night. But alas, it became but a burst bubble when we realised that it was already 10.40pm by the time we got out of Marche...and some of us, like me, had curfew... So we left, sadly.



All of us, senior and junior batches of S60!!! :)

I'm thankful for a great class and wonderful seniors! Six-Oh rocks!

Thursday: fun halfday and class's birthday treat

Thursday, 2nd March. A wonderful day...


The beautiful early morning sky on my way to Hwa Chong.

Our (dreaded) Physics lab lesson was less boring than usual. In fact, it was amusing and chaotic. However, Rachel's turtle and my bear Michelle underwent much tortue, due to several sadistic guys!


First Che Hao and Zi Chong hung Turtle by its head. Spot Che Hao's sadistic grin.


Then they hung it by its leg. Look at both of them grinning evilly.


And then my bear got squashed by bricks. By the same evil duo.


And my bear got ready to fly.


A flying bear -- "Super-Bear!!!". Spot the motion blur.


My bear levitating in the lab.


Sam and Bryan marvelling at the levitating bear.


Chaos in the lab.


The hardworking people: (from left) Qiu Rong, Zhao Rui and Siobhan.


And the not-so-hardworking ones.


Yang Sai and Pauline acting funny.


Yang Sai: Oops! Caught in the act! Subsequently she chases me around class trying to grab the camera.


Another 2 people acting funny -- Che Hao and Zi Chong. AND the Confession Note. In case you can't see, here's full contents of the note, which is with me:

Charm: I'm beginning to think that both of you have severe masochistic tendencies. :S
Siobhan: LOL Che Hao you are damn mean lah. And why are you so touchy feely with Zi Chong!
Che Hao: I'm Jake Glyeenal (can't decipher his handwriting la) and what's-his-name. (note: this is in allusion to the gay couple in Brokeback Mountain I think.)
Zi Chong: Okay okay...It's all out in the open now. We're just masochistic homosexuals. Don't tell anyone :P LOL. You gay lesbians. ;D

Hehe.

After school ended we went to Sakae Sushi at Heeren for a class lunch, and to celebrate my (belated) birthday. The class treated me to:


A wonderful hotplate of unagi + egg!


Lovely grilled Shitake mushrooms (if you didn't know I love mushrooms too). AND of course Fried Tofu, which I didn't take a picture of, unfortunately.

Over at the other table, the guys tricked Steve into eating a sushi stuffed full of wasabi inside.

Here's poor Steve choking after consuming the doctored sushi.



And the whole class, stomachs full and wallets empty after our lunch at Sakae.

Then some left, some went to watch a movie, and the rest of us went to Far East to shop for class ring.

It was a wonderful day.

Thank you so much, Six-Oh! I love you again and again and again!

My Happy Happy Birthday! Thanksgiving yet again!

I'm like a bubble full of happiness. Today must be one of the most memorable birthdays (besides my 14th birthday party) so far. And once again, I have a whole lot of people to thank for making this day so wonderful!

To all of you who remembered my birthday and wished me a Happy Birthday, whether personally, by sms, or by tagging on my blog, thanks! I did have a very happy birthday indeed. :)

To Wei Heng, Li Hao and Yu Zhong, you amusing seniors who were so nice to sing a Birthday song (despite your obvious torture while singing), hehe, thanks, I really appreciated it!

To Ernest, Sara and Jun Wen, thanks for your lovely presents! I'm really touched by you people.

To Zi Chong, Jin Quan and Che Hao (and this guy I don't know his name) who played tennis with me, I had a wonderful fun morning because of you people!

To Charm, Siobhan, Zi Chong, Che Hao and Jez, thanks for the very amusing conversation over a nice lunch (+ my beloved papaya milkshake, around which the conversation revolved)!

To dear Charm to whom I talked throughout the entire Math lesson, thanks! This is the only Math lecture I found interesting so far (hehe, cos of YOU not the lecturer).

To Pau-Pau, Cheryl and Siobhan who accompanied me to RJC for the briefing, and to dear Pau-Pau for the most delightful conversation on the bus, thanks too! It's simply wonderful just being in your presence and talking with you! :)

There's just so many more people to thank! So here's a big thank you to everyone who's in my life! And a gigantic thank you to Six-Oh for making my life so wonderful!!! I LOVE YOU, SIX OH! I LOVE YOU, ALL MY DEAR FRIENDS! And here's a big hug to everyone out there!

**

I just came back from a lovely dinner at an Italian gourmet restaurant with my family, amounting to almost a hundred bucks for the four of us. Of all the sumptuous fare I ate, the spinach flan (spinach pie mixed with cream cheese and egg) was by far the most delicious!!! So much so that I actually ate TWO spinach flans! But I'm really full now. And contented.

On a sidenote, I'm quite undecided on whether to run for council. I was quite against the idea of running for council (as I'm afraid I won't have enough time for Chinese Dance) until my Mom persuaded me to run for council after listening to me talk about it. Maybe I will. But I'm quite apprehensive about the campaigning...

I'm looking forward to going to school tomorrow! Class lunch at Sakae! I LOVE SIX-OH! :)

And my wish: I hope that my happiness will spread like a contagious virus to everyone around me! I hope Six-Oh can stay together as a united class, and not be reshuffled by the school! I hope to stay happy and cheerful, and have much fun, friendship, and love (referring to my family la)!