loneliness and melancholy.
Yesterday I went over to Jin Quan's house to play tabletennis, cards and tennis with him, Zi Chong and several of their friends. I enjoyed my time there, especially the later part when we were just slacking, sitting and talking at the tennis courts. Sometimes I just envy the camaraderie that the CHS geppers have, the time they spent playing sports everyday together.
I look back and I realise that I've never really truly belonged to any clique. I don't belong to any clique now, still, do I? What does it feel like to be part of a clique, to be always hanging out together, doing the same things (be they stupid or meaningful) together, feeling you're part of everyone else, that you're needed, that you belong?
And why is it that I get along well with most but never get close enough to people, even if just a few that I care more about? Close enough for me to matter to them, not as just another classmate, another acquaintance or another one of their many many friends, but as myself, their friend? Is this the result of my own doing, however unintentional it may be?
I fear loneliness. Is this called weakness? Is this insecurity? If it is, I don't care to hide my weaknesses anymore, at least not now, at least not here, this blog which not many people visit anyway. I hate pity. I hate people pitying me, or doing things for me they wouldn't otherwise do, like keeping me company, out of pity for me, not because they like my company. I don't want to be pitied. Yes, I'm proud, and I hate pity.
(obviously there's a difference between pity for superficial things like pain or exhaustion, and pity for other things like loneliness, insecurity etc. I hate the latter pity. And there's a big difference between empathy and concern, and pity. Sometimes people just mix them all up.)
That's why I always try not to show my weaknesses, that's why I always put on a brave front even when I'm feeling weak inside. That's why few people see me cry, though many a times I just feel like letting go of my emotions.
And they don't need to see another sad or morose face. Why sould they? They've seen enough. There's plenty of sadness in the world already. What the world lacks and needs is happiness.
But I've reached a limit where I can't just keep all my thoughts to myself. I hate the times when I turn off my handphone for several days and turn it on knowing that there're not going to be any new messages that's not regarding something like homework, or activities I organised, or worse still, no new messages at all. I hate harbouring the thought that if I didn't turn up in school for a day, a week or even a month no one would miss me at all. (truthfully, would you even feel any difference? Would you even know that I'm not in school? ) I hate the feeling I get sometimes, that if I disappeared from people's life, say if I left for overseas, if I was gone just somehow, nobody would know, nobody would really care, besides my family.
There's a reason why I decided not to use MSN again. I couldn't stand it anymore. I hated it when conversations died out after a while, when talk was just forced talk to keep the appearance of being busy on MSN. I hated it when nobody would talk to you if you didn't initiate conversations yourself. Typing for the sake of typing, talking for the sake of talking, using MSN for the sake of keeping up the illusion that people want to talk to you, that your friends want to talk to you, that you're needed. Why maintain that illusion and continue deceiving yourself? Might as well live with the truth, however bare it may be. That people talk to you on MSN only because they're bored. Not because they really want to talk to you, or that a conversation with you matters to them.
I'm not being my usual self. Or maybe this's just another side of me. The emotionally-dependent, melancholy and not-so-cheerful side of me. The side of me that I don't show and nobody bothers to find out. Precisely, why would they want to.
Am I being hypocritical by drowning in self-pity? I've been over-indulged in love and concern by my parents when I was young. Now that they pay much less attention to me, and I'm still as needy emotionally, maybe slightly less, I have to fill in that gap myself, albeit in vain.
I look back and I realise that I've never really truly belonged to any clique. I don't belong to any clique now, still, do I? What does it feel like to be part of a clique, to be always hanging out together, doing the same things (be they stupid or meaningful) together, feeling you're part of everyone else, that you're needed, that you belong?
And why is it that I get along well with most but never get close enough to people, even if just a few that I care more about? Close enough for me to matter to them, not as just another classmate, another acquaintance or another one of their many many friends, but as myself, their friend? Is this the result of my own doing, however unintentional it may be?
I fear loneliness. Is this called weakness? Is this insecurity? If it is, I don't care to hide my weaknesses anymore, at least not now, at least not here, this blog which not many people visit anyway. I hate pity. I hate people pitying me, or doing things for me they wouldn't otherwise do, like keeping me company, out of pity for me, not because they like my company. I don't want to be pitied. Yes, I'm proud, and I hate pity.
(obviously there's a difference between pity for superficial things like pain or exhaustion, and pity for other things like loneliness, insecurity etc. I hate the latter pity. And there's a big difference between empathy and concern, and pity. Sometimes people just mix them all up.)
That's why I always try not to show my weaknesses, that's why I always put on a brave front even when I'm feeling weak inside. That's why few people see me cry, though many a times I just feel like letting go of my emotions.
And they don't need to see another sad or morose face. Why sould they? They've seen enough. There's plenty of sadness in the world already. What the world lacks and needs is happiness.
But I've reached a limit where I can't just keep all my thoughts to myself. I hate the times when I turn off my handphone for several days and turn it on knowing that there're not going to be any new messages that's not regarding something like homework, or activities I organised, or worse still, no new messages at all. I hate harbouring the thought that if I didn't turn up in school for a day, a week or even a month no one would miss me at all. (truthfully, would you even feel any difference? Would you even know that I'm not in school? ) I hate the feeling I get sometimes, that if I disappeared from people's life, say if I left for overseas, if I was gone just somehow, nobody would know, nobody would really care, besides my family.
There's a reason why I decided not to use MSN again. I couldn't stand it anymore. I hated it when conversations died out after a while, when talk was just forced talk to keep the appearance of being busy on MSN. I hated it when nobody would talk to you if you didn't initiate conversations yourself. Typing for the sake of typing, talking for the sake of talking, using MSN for the sake of keeping up the illusion that people want to talk to you, that your friends want to talk to you, that you're needed. Why maintain that illusion and continue deceiving yourself? Might as well live with the truth, however bare it may be. That people talk to you on MSN only because they're bored. Not because they really want to talk to you, or that a conversation with you matters to them.
I'm not being my usual self. Or maybe this's just another side of me. The emotionally-dependent, melancholy and not-so-cheerful side of me. The side of me that I don't show and nobody bothers to find out. Precisely, why would they want to.
Am I being hypocritical by drowning in self-pity? I've been over-indulged in love and concern by my parents when I was young. Now that they pay much less attention to me, and I'm still as needy emotionally, maybe slightly less, I have to fill in that gap myself, albeit in vain.
posted by Qintan at 2:08 PM
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